Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Keeping a sense of who you are

Some days I feel like Humpty Dumpty, sitting on the wall, trying not to break into a million pieces.

It's a strange feeling. Not completely foreign and neither happy nor sad, this Humpty Dumpty Syndrome has presented itself since motherhood when I now have every reason to keep myself together and be the best person I can be.

It has made me wonder what pieces the King's horses and King's men would find if I should fall off. What unknown golden parts of myself would be revealed, what seemingly important parts would actually just crumble into nothingness, what parts would glitter, what parts would lie dull and forgotten.

I have read about and heard from many mothers who say they lose their identity and individuality after they have children. I can see how it happens. When I look back on the time since my son was born, everything that he's done and everything that he is dominates my memory. All that I now am is tied up with him. I can imagine his childhood will whizz past in a blur, and I can imagine celebrating my youngest child's high school graduation with an equal sense of pride and what-on-earth-am-I-going-to-do-now?!

I'm very proud to be a mother and am utterly dedicated to my children's future, but I am a woman of many parts, and motherhood is just one part of me. It would be unfair to my soul and unfair to my children if I lose myself in this very important role I am now blessed to be playing. I don't know if it's achievable, but I want to do everything I can to continue to be my own person, pursue my heart's desires, entertain my whims and seek my own enjoyments in life.

I see Humpty Dumpty Syndrome as a good thing. I'm not going to sit but instead walk, dance, skip along that wall because I'm not scared of falling off, particularly if it means I get to leave behind the pieces of myself I no longer have a use for and put myself back together again with all that glitters and glows.

**I would love to hear about your experience / challenges / triumphs in keeping a strong sense of who you are...


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