Friday, 29 August 2014

Stillness (the end of week 3)

You will have figured out by now that the beautiful world I live in is often bubbling with chaos, stress, noise, mess and heart palpitations.

It often comes from all angles; overwhelming the senses. It's the constant chatter and crying and questions and screaming and laughter out of the mouths of babes. It's the orchestra of thoughts that swim around in my head - from what I'm going to make the kids for dinner through to what I'm going to do with my life. It's the toys in every primary colour and primary-colour-combination imaginable, scattered around the floor, under cushions, beneath my feet. It's the torrential rain and wind howling past the windows in an obvious taunt: 'You won't be going outside today.' It's the external pressures, the internal expectations and the impossible desire for everything to be perfect and just so.

It's waking up angry and exhausted for no reason other than I've been working 14-hour days, for 3 years, without a day off. It's getting frustrated with myself for being angry about being exhausted, when this is the life I want to live and it's a long way to go till they're 18 anyway.

I've written before about how my perception and expectations surrounding time has changed since having children, but it doesn't change the fact that I want more quality time to myself. I read this hilarious blog the other day, by a mum arguing that labelling mundane activities that you were going to do anyway as "me" time does not mean you've actually had any quality time to yourself. For example, having a shower without an audience should be a daily expectation rather than your "me" time for the year. If only!

When I was forcing myself to do the meditations last night - with the usual background sounds of pots clanging in the soapy sink downstairs, and traffic zooming past outside, and the occasional snore from the baby monitor - there was one phrase that the man-with-the-wise-voice uttered that really resonated.

The deep stillness we seek, does not arise because the world is still or the mind is quiet. Stillness is nourished when we allow things to be just as they are for now, in this moment, moment by moment, and breath by breath.

I drunk those words in like I'd never heard them before.

Breathe. Let things be just as they are, in this moment.

In this moment, I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. The people I love most in the world are safe inside this home of ours. We are healthy. We all laugh and wrestle and listen to each other.

I am breathing. I am here. And there is so much more to come.

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